I've started this post about ten times and deleted it every single time. Talking about my problems has never been my thing if I'm not talking about them, they aren't taking up space in my head. That system has worked for me for a long time.
But you've been in my corner for years, and you deserve to know why I've been quieter this year. Here it is, as simply as I know how.
This past year rearranged my entire world. In April, my dad was diagnosed with a terminal condition. On Earth Day, I lost my soul dog. In August, my pops got his own diagnosis. April alone took two swings at me, and honestly, the ground under my feet still hasn't quite settled.
My whole life, my answer to pain has been momentum. I compartmentalize, I distract, I outrun. It's the skill that built my career. I've lived with high-functioning depression for as long as I can remember, and in a strange way, it's part of what made me successful .I could push through absolutely anything.
Except this year taught me that some things don't fit in a compartment. Some things sit on your chest no matter how busy you stay. I learned that pushing forward without facing my feelings just sets my future self up for bigger failures and if I don't deal with things, my demeanor slowly shifts into a person I don't recognize. I've met her. I don't like her. I'm not doing that again.
The good news!! I think I've rounded a corner. I changed my priorities and spent these past few months exactly where I needed to be , with the people I love, soaking up every minute.
And to close out this chapter of healing, kind of a mile marker in my memories, I did the most insane thing imaginable, I ran away to Hawaii for three weeks. By myself. I journaled. I planned for the future. I sat with all of it instead of sprinting past it, and I set my head straight.
Here's the thing, my loves I'm still not the girl who wants to dive into it all. If it isn't coming out of my mouth, it isn't living in my head, and that lets me be the person I want to be. If you're reading this, you don't have to search for the right words. All you have to do is drop "sending you love" below and I'll know exactly what you mean. That little phrase will mean more than you know.
I know what's still ahead of me, and I think I'm as ready for it as a person can be. What I refuse to do is lose myself to another depression when I'm this close to finding her again, the girl I was a little over a year ago. Consistent. Bursting with energy and optimism. Understanding and compassionate with everyone who crosses my path. She's still in here. I felt her on a beach in Hawaii with a pen in her hand. She's tangible.
Consider this my fresh lens ✨ I'm stepping back into the world - and I'm doing it with you. Thank you for being patient with me while I healed. I love you. Sending it right back. 💕
Love, Lace 💋
